if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
