if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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