I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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