Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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