my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just blew my weed a kiss
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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