Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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