Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
