I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
