she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wear drunk well.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
