I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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