I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
