why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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