just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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