he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
