and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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