He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
please come you make the beer taste better
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
