Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
