Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
