he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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