Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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