LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He felt like a one man threesome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
