Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
