Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
