They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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