I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
