Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
