I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
