I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
