I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
