Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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