The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
