I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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