Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
