sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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