I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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