My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I love you.
Bad choice
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
