I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She's the barista slut.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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