lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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