I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
