You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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