i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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