i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
