The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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