my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
