Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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