Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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