i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
