i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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