it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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