I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
